When It's Tough to Let Go

Hello, and happy Tuesday! This is Rachel here, and I’d like to talk about a subject that may not be so appealing to focus on the day before Valentine’s Day: ending a relationship. If you’re too busy reveling in the absolute and total love you feel from your partner or spouse every single day, by all means continue! However, if you’re going through heartache or would like to shed some light on how past relationships ended for you, I hope you’ll find this helpful.

I just finished meeting with a client who regularly comes in and tells me, “I’m still talking to my ex, and it’s not healthy.” What comes to your mind when you hear a statement like this? For me, I wonder who or what is determining the definition of “healthy” contact for my client. How do we decide what is healthy behavior, and does our definition of “healthy” serve us, or does it mire us in shame? For my client, I suspect the latter.

So now what? Does this mean it’s okay to keep in contact with our exes? All of our exes? Not necessarily. So when does keeping contact with an old flame become problematic? And what does it say about us if, once we decide it’s not “healthy” to continue talking to an ex, we fail to sever ties? Is my client weak and unable to demonstrate willpower? Is he cruel and selfish? Or, does he simultaneously know that he needs to let go in order to move on with his life and feel sad and afraid to say goodbye to the one person that he’s closest to?

We’ve all been there: you reach a point in your relationship where you realize you have to let go of someone who you once loved and don’t want to hurt, and yet you find yourself unable to do so. You can’t resist responding to their texts or phone calls, or maybe you find yourself all too comfortable with reaching out to them at every whim, even after the relationship has ended and you’ve begun seeing other people. Some of you will justify the contact as appropriate, because, “We’re both adults, we’re free to make our own decisions, and we’re on the same page - I’m not leading him/her on.” Others may find themselves consumed in guilt, telling themselves, “I’m a terrible person, this isn’t fair to him/her, they’ll never move on if I don’t stop.” So here’s the thing: neither position is right, and neither position is wrong. They just… are. They’re real, they’re valid, and they’re representative of human beings as complicated, multifaceted creatures.

Humans are social creatures by design, and there’s safety in numbers. There’s also comfort in having someone else to rely on, someone else to help you make decisions, someone who gets you, who makes you happy, and is willing to be with you when you’re sad. So naturally it can be difficult to let go of someone we’ve shared so much with, even if we know the relationship has run its course. You are the only person who can decide for yourself what is helpful to you and what is problematic. Maybe you need to maintain some form of contact until you’re able to establish other forms of social support, or you just need time to process the loss and let it feel real. Maybe you recognize the best course of action for you is a quick but firm goodbye. Whatever the case may be, my hope for you is that if you find yourself needing to let go of a relationship, you show yourself some compassion for having the courage to say goodbye.

Self-care: Why Being Selfish Can Make You More Generous

Hi there! Rachel here, and yes, you read the title of this blog correctly. Being selfish can actually make you a more generous person! How can this be, though? Isn’t selfishness the opposite of generosity? Well, yes and no. Most of us are used to using “selfish” in the spirit of dictionary.com’s definition:

1. devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others.

2. characterized by or manifesting concern or care only for oneself: selfish motives.

After reading that, “selfish” certainly does sound like a less-than-desirable trait. However, I’m here to argue that a little bit of selfishness can go a long way, and can in fact allow you to be a more generous person in the long run. The key is to practice selfishness in the form of self-care.

What is Self-care?

According to Merriam-Webster, “self-care” is:

1. care for oneself - stroke victims capable of daily self-care, the necessity of busy working parents to take time for self-care;

2. specifically: health care provided by oneself often without the consultation of a medical professional

Thought Catalog defines “self-care” as, “Making the choice to build a life you don’t need to regularly escape from.”

I define self-care as, “Treat yo’ self!” Okay, maybe I didn’t come up with that one, but you get the point. For me, “self-care” means be good to yourself, because you earned it! Whether it’s getting up at 5:00 am so you can get that morning run in before getting the kids ready and off to school five days a week, or balancing a full-time job with planning a wedding while taking care of aging parents, or even simply fighting the Monday morning urge to quit your miserable job and start a rock band, you sacrifice a lot of time and energy for the benefit of others. So why not reward yourself with a sweet treat, a spa day, or a getaway in Fiji?

Is Self-care Selfish?

“But Rachel, people need me! How can I possibly take time off and put my own selfish needs before the needs of others?” Well, when was the last time you were able to drive your car on an empty tank? EXACTLY. Just like cars need fuel to run, we need to replenish our body, mind and spirit in order to continuing giving to others as much as we do on a regular basis. After all, you don’t want to become resentful toward the ones you love, do you? You don’t want stress and burnout to derail your long-term goals, do you? So treat yo’ self! Take a mental health day from work. Give your kids a day off from school and create some family memories at the park. Spend a guilt-free and uninterrupted weekend writing that Friday the 13th fan fiction you’ve been dreaming of for so long. Because, as they say in the shampoo commercials, “You’re worth it!”

The Moral of the Story: Be Selfish!

“It’s ok, Rachel said I could be selfish because it means I’m being generous!” Pleeeease don’t tell your friends that; I’m very sensitive to hate mail. But do keep in mind that you deserve attention and care just as much as everyone else in your life does, and who better to know what you need to rest and recoup than you? So take those fifteen minutes when you get home from work to decompress with Candy Crush, and ask for extra help around the house because you need it and you appreciate it. When you respect yourself enough to address your needs, you command respect from those around you, and you create space in your life for gratitude.