Hello, and happy Tuesday! This is Rachel here, and I’d like to talk about a subject that may not be so appealing to focus on the day before Valentine’s Day: ending a relationship. If you’re too busy reveling in the absolute and total love you feel from your partner or spouse every single day, by all means continue! However, if you’re going through heartache or would like to shed some light on how past relationships ended for you, I hope you’ll find this helpful.
I just finished meeting with a client who regularly comes in and tells me, “I’m still talking to my ex, and it’s not healthy.” What comes to your mind when you hear a statement like this? For me, I wonder who or what is determining the definition of “healthy” contact for my client. How do we decide what is healthy behavior, and does our definition of “healthy” serve us, or does it mire us in shame? For my client, I suspect the latter.
So now what? Does this mean it’s okay to keep in contact with our exes? All of our exes? Not necessarily. So when does keeping contact with an old flame become problematic? And what does it say about us if, once we decide it’s not “healthy” to continue talking to an ex, we fail to sever ties? Is my client weak and unable to demonstrate willpower? Is he cruel and selfish? Or, does he simultaneously know that he needs to let go in order to move on with his life and feel sad and afraid to say goodbye to the one person that he’s closest to?
We’ve all been there: you reach a point in your relationship where you realize you have to let go of someone who you once loved and don’t want to hurt, and yet you find yourself unable to do so. You can’t resist responding to their texts or phone calls, or maybe you find yourself all too comfortable with reaching out to them at every whim, even after the relationship has ended and you’ve begun seeing other people. Some of you will justify the contact as appropriate, because, “We’re both adults, we’re free to make our own decisions, and we’re on the same page - I’m not leading him/her on.” Others may find themselves consumed in guilt, telling themselves, “I’m a terrible person, this isn’t fair to him/her, they’ll never move on if I don’t stop.” So here’s the thing: neither position is right, and neither position is wrong. They just… are. They’re real, they’re valid, and they’re representative of human beings as complicated, multifaceted creatures.
Humans are social creatures by design, and there’s safety in numbers. There’s also comfort in having someone else to rely on, someone else to help you make decisions, someone who gets you, who makes you happy, and is willing to be with you when you’re sad. So naturally it can be difficult to let go of someone we’ve shared so much with, even if we know the relationship has run its course. You are the only person who can decide for yourself what is helpful to you and what is problematic. Maybe you need to maintain some form of contact until you’re able to establish other forms of social support, or you just need time to process the loss and let it feel real. Maybe you recognize the best course of action for you is a quick but firm goodbye. Whatever the case may be, my hope for you is that if you find yourself needing to let go of a relationship, you show yourself some compassion for having the courage to say goodbye.